Showing Affection

By the age of three or four years your child will be much more independent, and you may assume that she needs fewer overt displays of affection. While this may be true, it would be a mistake to think that she wants to go without any physical affection at all. You should pay special attention to boys, who are often expected to give up hugs and kisses at a very young age because it is not considered to be proper "masculine" behavior.

It is all too easy to lose the habit of showing affection, so make a resolution to hold and touch your child as often as you can every day, whether it's letting her sit on your knee or putting an arm around her when you look at the paper, or giving her a kiss when you put her to bed. I always made it a rule to tell my children every day that I loved them.

Older children can be self-conscious about being kissed or hugged in public, so be sensitive to this. Choose private moments when they can enjoy your care, attention, and love.

Helping Children Get Along

It can be very difficult to handle rivalry between siblings and their constant conflicting demands on you. You can foster feelings of warmth rather than competitiveness if you encourage these feelings from the beginning. Many hospitals and parent groups offer "sibling preparation" classes that can help ease anxieties before a new baby arrives. When the baby comes home, ask your older child for help in caring for the baby. Even toddlers can fetch diapers, hold bottles, or stroke the baby's hand. Always let the older child open presents for the baby, and be sure to have plenty of small presents stashed away for the older child.

Comfort and Encouragement

With any luck your child won't be averse to warmth and affection even after she's reached adulthood, but cuddles do change and get more grown-up, and you have to give the kind of affection your child needs rather than the kind you want to give. So adapt your style to what gives her most comfort.

Preschool children need lots of hugs every day, especially congratulatory ones, as when they've mastered something like getting their shoes on the right feet. Comfort hugs are essential at the first sign of tears. A child responds much better to a hug than a reprimand. Therapeutic hugs reduce the pain of a vaccination, a bump, or a cut in seconds. Never let your, child go to sleep without a huge hug and an "I love you."

As your child gets older, hugs are transformed into other actions, but they have the same bolstering, encouraging effect. A hand on the shoulder, a caress, or taking your child's hand is a sign of love and her sense of security and confidence will soar. Your child craves your love and approval; never leave her in any doubt that she has both.